How you define self-love is specific to your needs and the challenges you must overcome so you can fully experience what self-love is all about.
In this post, we will discuss how I have come to define self-love for myself, the steps you can take to define self-love for you, and what happens if you don’t define self-love for yourself.
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The term “self-love” can be a bit of a throw-around term used as an excuse to be selfish and detach from connecting with people. For others, this term is the most complex thing we’ve ever heard before in our lives leaving us dumbfounded.
For me, the idea of self-love or loving yourself was so far-fetched because I saw more examples of self-neglect and people-pleasing than loving oneself. So, this concept was challenging to accept and apply. I’m sure I am not alone in this feat.
This is why I hope that being able to define self-love based on my own experience along with helping you define what self-love is for you, proves to be helpful as you start down this beautiful yet winding journey.
How do you define self-love?
In the simple sense of the word, the easiest way to define self-love is the love of one’s self. However, some of us have never eye-witnessed healthy love in any sense so, a further breakdown of the term is needed.
Self-love encompasses the tangible and intangible way you deal with yourself. Yourself is your mind, body, and spirit.
For example, how you feel about yourself.
Do you loathe your life and who you are?
How do you treat yourself?
Are you kind and gracious with yourself? Or, do you harm or mistreat yourself when you disappoint yourself?
What things do you say to yourself?
Are they forgiving and inspirational words? Or, things you’d never verbalize to another living soul, but yours?
If we learn the value of self-love it can be the most beautiful sense of love we will ever enjoy. I know that may sound completely unrealistic to some of you, but I promise it is possible.
For most of my life, I chased after anything that felt like what I thought was even an inkling of love. A guy walking down the street and smirking at me.
Me: OMG, he must think I’m pretty. 😀
Him: Wow, I’ve never seen shoes like those. 😯
To … when I was married …
Him: I don’t want you going to the movie theatre alone, that’s weird.
Me: He loves me. He doesn’t want anything to happen to me.
You see what I thought were expressions of love was tied to how I thought someone felt about me. I used their comments as validation of my worth. Or, I had a misguided understanding of true love and accepted behavior that was actually control disguised as love.
It wasn’t until I was controlled beyond recognition that I had no other choice, but to force-feed myself acts of self-love.
And, I started with 5 ways.
5 ways to start defining self-love for you.
1 | Speaking more kindly to myself.
Read related article >> 63 Not-So-Basic Self Care Day Ideas Worth Trying Right Now For Women & Men
2 | Investing in hobbies that were only what interested me, not my partner.
Read related article >> Is It Hard Or That Important To Love Yourself First?
3 | Journaling.
At first, I would write in an encrypted language so if my ex-husband found it he would have no idea what I was writing about. Then, I found this App called Day One Journal (which I still use) mainly because it is a digital journal that allows your journal entries to be passcode secured.
Read related article >> Master The Art: Letting Go Of The Past (Brace Yourself)
4 | Developing breathing techniques to keep me from imploding or setting the house on fire. 😳
Read related article >> 5 Habits Keeping You Stuck (Things I Wish I Knew)
5 | Build a community of supporters, by starting with a therapist.
I was able to find my very first therapist on BetterHelp which wasn’t too overwhelming thankfully. I have since discovered Online Therapy which is very inexpensive, especially for the level of value included. They offer an amazing interactive program that is so aligned with my style of learning.
Online Therapy makes finding a therapist more approachable and affordable. Search for a therapist today and receive 20% off your first month. Get your discount here!
As you see, I started small, but remained consistent and grew to learn what self-love truly was and just how imperative it was to living a life of joy and peace.
Since the start of this journey, I began to deepen my understanding and acceptance of self-love and how to make it as successful as I can make it for myself.
I’ve learned that self-love is just one layer in the overarching quest of the self-love journey. It ties unavoidably to self-care. One can not experience the deepest level of self-love without an active self-care regime. It’s like self-care is the outward display of self-love.
Chances are, If you’re having difficulty loving yourself chances are you are not taking care of yourself aka self-care.
So then, for me, I’ve chosen to embrace time with myself to the highest degree and that is by embarking on annual solo trips inside and outside of the country. So far, I have enjoyed these trips to different parts of Mexico and have built up a little community there.
But no matter where I enjoy my self-care trips or outings I make sure I fulfill these 7 objectives:
1| Eat and drink deliciously
2| Explore things I love: local sites and landmarks
3|Find ways to be inspired artistically
4|Embrace my beauty and the attention it brings.
5| I always dress the way I want and get photographed
6| Mindfully be in the moment
7| Simply enjoy being with myself
My self-love examples.
At the end of the day you have to define self-love for you, but you MUST be clear on what self-love is and how it is best expressed and felt by you.
If you want a deeper dive into self-care and how to effectively apply it in your life with ease then check out this article >> What Really is Self-care and How to Set Effective Self-care Goals.
What happens if you don’t define self-love for you?
If you aren’t clear with yourself on what makes you feel loved then it will negatively affect you the same way it will when you are unclear about how you need to be loved by someone else.
Taking the time to define self-love for you will enhance your ability to love yourself effectively which in the long run deepens your ability to receive love from others.
If you noticed in my self-love examples above, I feel most loved by quality time. The same time and attention I want to share with someone else is what I want to have with myself. Being self-aware helped me reach this understanding.
Self-awareness is the first level of my self-love journey pathway.
7 Levels of your self-love pathway
In order to reach the pinnacle of self-love, there are 7 levels you must dig your way to.
“To love yourself first means to know yourself first.”
1| Self-Awareness | Identify the character you are portraying or who you are pretending to be.
2| Self-Discovery | Discover who you truly are or who you want to be.
3| Self-Sabotage | Learn the things keeping you from embodying the true version of yourself.
4| Self-Care | Tackle ways to avoid reverting back to suppressive behavior which keeps your true self hidden.
5| Self-Love | Maintain the truest version of yourself, by loving and embracing it.
6| Self-Expression | Allows the true version of yourself to act and live your dreams.
7| Self-Actualization | Pinnacle of self-love. You are achieving your dreams while maintaining the truest version of yourself.
I find the journey to self-love to be more sustainable and effective when you go through each level of the journey versus jumping straight, for example, to level 5 which as you see in the diagram is towards the end of the journey.
Self-love involves more than what people portray especially starting out. It takes deep digging and sitting in uncomfortableness in order to get to the depth where you truly can be self-sufficient as an individual. This would explain why codependency is much easier to seek.
Prior to establishing this guided pathway, I had no idea who I was or what I truly wanted in my life. I couldn’t see the value I could experience with myself let alone share it with you.
Coming from a world of control and manipulation sapped me of any ability or opportunity to explore myself or love myself with no recourse. Once, I took ownership of myself I was able to guide myself along a challenging, but peaceful path to self-love. And I hope you find this pathway helpful as it guides you along your journey as well.
Interested in learning more about my process and how it changed my entire life in ways I never felt feasible? Learn how it can change your life too! >> Join the community here.
Shareable self-love quotes.
Here are a few of my (personally expressed) self-love quotes I’ve sat with and found to be great reminders when I feel like I’m losing my way.
Feel free to add them as screen savers for your phone or Pinterest boards when you need a reminder that you deserve all the love in the world and are indeed loveable.
As I’ve said many times before … Self-love is liberation. Choose liberation, my friends.
Cheers, dear ones!
Until next time…
Pin for later!
I hope you’ve enjoyed the post: This Is How I Define Self Love. How Do You? and found it helpful. If you are interested in individualized support and coaching services, please connect with me. ➡ Work With Me.
