The title of this post deserves a straight answer and I’m going to lay it out with the hard truths.
Is it hard or that important to love yourself first?
Absolutely YES. And, absolutely YES!
In this post, we will discuss just what it means to love yourself first, why you should love yourself first before loving someone else, and what will happen if you don’t learn to love yourself first.
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What is the meaning of loving yourself first?
Many people mistakenly take the expression “love yourself first” to mean being selfish, cut-throat, unkind, uncaring, inconsiderate, etcetera. etcetera.
Loving yourself first has nothing to do with eating the last pizza slice and leaving people starving on movie night. It has everything to do with knowing what things you value and need as an individual and ensuring that you receive them.
Simply put, to love yourself first could be eating the last pizza slice because that is your first slice (you haven’t eaten since breakfast), or eating the last pizza slice (remember you haven’t eaten since breakfast) if that is your second round of pizza and everyone’s first.
This may seem like a silly example, but I want to show that this love yourself first meaning is simply taking measures to make sure you are receiving what you need–in this case, nourishment.
One major thing, loving yourself first does not mean waiting or expecting others to give us the things we need especially telekinetically (more on this later).
Hey, you took the last slice of pizza!
Yeah, but it was my first slice.
Why is it important to love yourself first?
You deserve to receive the fullest amount of love and care as does every person breathing air on this earth.
Who better to show that level of love to yourself? Your husband? Your wife? Lover? Friend? Children? Not even your parents should be expected to know the level of love we need. I mean they are the ones wanting us to go to Med school when we are better suited as Toy Designers.
In my opinion, none of these people can be trusted or qualified to tell you how you feel or what you want. That is our responsibility and privilege.
I wouldn’t want to have to tell someone (especially a grown adult) something that is specific to them. It takes away the joy of getting to know people and building relationships.
The challenge is that people don’t see self-love this way. It’s seen as negative or superficial. When in reality self-love and loving yourself should be the fundamental basis for how we function in life.
We should be able to know and communicate the way we feel and the things we need.
If we don’t love ourselves enough to learn that we are not picky eaters, but particular over what we eat because when we were twelve years old our brother put soap in our pasta sauce and we’ve never been able to taste marinara sauce the same since.
And if we don’t take the opportunity to explore these kinds of things about ourselves, then, frankly we are missing out on a great story worth sharing. 😉
However, I don’t fault you for not having this level of understanding of yourself. Self-awareness has not been a cultural phenomenon, self-sacrifice has. Sacrifice your time. Sacrifice your energy. Put others’ needs ahead of your own. Your wants are not important. Desires are bad and meant for dreaming.
When the reality is in some situations we need to take a rest, take several breaks, dream, search, and play. In most situations if there was a loved one we cherished who never took care of themselves we’d be quick to encourage such an activity, but when it comes to us we just forgo all ability to grant ourselves what is needed.
Loving yourself first moves you to extend the same level of care you give to others to yourself first without waiting for someone to permit you.
If you want a deeper dive into self-love and self-care and how to effectively apply it in your life with ease then check out this article >> What is self-care and how to set effective self-care goals.
Why you should love yourself first before loving someone else.
To love yourself first means to know yourself first. This is simply why it’s risky when we skip this part of the process and go straight to loving someone else while bypassing our greatest privilege.
When we are unaware of ourselves, who we (really) are, what we (really) want, and what we (really) need we make it impossible for someone else to love us effectively. Because we’ve neglected the opportunity to learn of ourselves and love ourselves first we put all of that exploration on someone else, ultimately setting you both up to lose.
Sadly though, Most of us prefer this way of relating with others because we don’t trust ourselves. We lack the self-worth we’d gain from loving ourselves first.
It’s much easier to give someone else the responsibility of loving us the way we need or hope we need. While doing the same for them and hoping that somehow we can articulate their deepest desires better than they can.
Exerting all of our energy on pleasing someone else leaves us depleted and incapable of anything else which is largely why we hope someone will do the same for us. This unfortunately creates co-dependent relationships.
And trust me, I know codependency 101. I had a 30-year certification that I’ve thankfully let expire.
All my life I’ve been haunted by the love bug. Love from anyone except myself. I thought it would be a certain shape and dimension. Would speak a certain language, or give me a certain feeling in my stomach. All along the love bug was 5 ‘1, one hundred and something pounds, brown, quirky, adventurous, spoke broken English, Spanish, and French, and made me feel understood and at peace.
I was the love bug all along. It took much heartache, heartbreak, and loss to learn of the beauty of my love, but I am thankful I’ve taken the time to explore that beauty and love that is me.
In my quest for love I’ve learned that:
Finding someone to love is not the greatest joy, but sharing my love for myself with someone else’s love is.
What happens if you don’t learn to love yourself first?
“If you don’t learn how to love yourself first, someone will offer you less than you deserve, and you’ll accept it.”
– Krystle Laughter, Love Yourself First: How to Heal from Toxic People, CReate Healthy Relationships & Become a Confident Woman
This quote by Krystle Laughter, the author of Love Yourself First: How to Heal from Toxic People, CReate Healthy Relationships & Become a Confident Woman hits the nail right on its head.
When you learn to love yourself first you extrapolate all of the things that make you, you. Your strengths and challenges, your values and virtues, your life views and worldviews. Your needs, your desires, your disappointments, etc.
If you don’t learn to love yourself first you risk someone inserting their values, life views, and desires onto you. This will not match how you feel, but you won’t know that because you haven’t taken the time to discover them for yourself. So, when someone offers you theirs you accept it not realizing it’s less than you deserve.
Now, this is not to say that the other person is always a bad person or has ill intentions. But because you neglected to love yourself first and learn what things really matter to you, you end up sharing time and space with someone on a level that does not suit you. Therefore, accepting less than you deserve.
This notion of having what you deserve should not refer to something lofty, but simply that you deserve someone who gives you space to share your ideas or someone who supports your desire to rescue homeless dogs, or never to own a dog ever. The point is you deserve someone who understands you, but the only way that can happen is if you know and understand yourself, by loving yourself first.
2 ways you can start right now.
Here are two ways you can use right now to learn how to love yourself first. The first way is to just start asking yourself how you feel when you make decisions.
How do I feel after watching that movie?
Why do I feel that way?
Where do these feelings come from?
The second way you can do this is to eliminate as much clutter from your life whether that be people or things, and slowly start reintroducing things back into your life while asking similar questions as the first one.
How do I feel not having this person or thing in my life?
Why do I miss or not miss this thing or person?
Will having it back in my life improve my life in any way?
The idea behind these two options is to start getting familiar with how you feel and giving it a voice. This will not be easy if you are accustomed to never allowing yourself to feel your feelings, but simply asking one question can start you down the path of learning to love yourself first.
I have found applying these two ways extremely instrumental in the successful progression of my self-love journey. I was constantly chasing everyone’s approval and fulfillment without ever thinking to question if I wanted the things I was chasing.
So, I left everything behind, my entire life and those in it. I took myself and basic necessities and started the discovery of who I really was and what I was actually capable of without the need for anything else. I developed a process that was absolutely life-changing and liberating. I hope that you find this process as life-changing as I have.
Interested in learning more about my process and how it changed my entire life in ways I never felt feasible? Learn how it can change your life too!
If you can only take one thing away from this post, please let it be that you deserve to love yourself first because you deserve to love yourself the way you love others.
Self-love is liberation. Choose liberation, my friends.
Cheers, dear ones!
Until next time…
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